i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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