Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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