I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
