I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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