Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
