I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
