i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You ruined the universe
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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