Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
