if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
