i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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