I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Too much gin, very little bucket
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
