He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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