I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
