All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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