He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
