I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
