how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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