So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
