I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
