Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
