woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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