I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
