Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize