just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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