The brown eye won't let me do that either.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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