Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
