You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I got inside last night via doggy door
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
