i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Dick very happy bro
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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