Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Randomize
