you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
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