and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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