matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
