I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
