You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
