Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
