I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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