the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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