Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
