Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
