im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
