So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
