My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize