I wish I could teleport
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
