I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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