I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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