i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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