my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
