omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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