I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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