I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Floor bacon is actually really good
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
