I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
i want to swaddle you in tequila
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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