there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
