Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
