I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
