I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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