Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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