She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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