i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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