omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
