Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
