Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
