I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
