I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
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