You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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