i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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