Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
