oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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