Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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